a dysfunctional relationship

so i'm just discarding all grammar and sentax rule right now because this is something that i just want to get out. i don't really care about what ms. babbs would say right now. she's an 8th grade english teacher. shouts out to ms. babbs.
but anyway there's something on my mind and of course it has to do with the father of my unborn child. i have heard that women become mothers when they concieve and men become fathers once they can hold their children in their arms and physically see and touch them. ok i understand that. especially with a first time father. now remember the father of my child is a father four times over already. now i don't exactly know the date but around september 10 this man (loosely used term) decides he's going to north carolina. nothing wrong with that. everyone needs a break not that he's working or is doing anything really constructive to society. but whatever his sister just got married and he has reconnected with parts of his family so he goes to north carolina. not bothersome to me except for the fact that my birthing classes start september 15 and he's suppposed to be my support person. the class is only four weeks long. now he goes down there and is having "fun" not that that bothers me cuz thats what he was going to do in the first place. and also his cincinnati bell phone doesn't have much reception down there and he doesn't say when he's coming back despite the fact that i reminded him about the classes. so its approaching wednesday the 15th. i'm calling his phone trying to find out if he's coming back or should i just chop it  up that he has abandoned his responsibility. finally i get a hold of him. turns out he isn't coming back until friday the 17th. so thats one class. three more to go. friday comes and goes and in my mind i figured he wasn't coming back then. its too easy. and i also don't hear from him. now i'm wondering if something has happened to him. maybe he went to jail, not an unlikely theory, or he's sick or maybe he's stuck and has no way home. and why i'm worrying about him i don't know. in my heart i do love him but i know that he's going to keep hurting me because i let him. so sunday i hear from him and i ask him what happened? you said you was coming home on friday and when you didn't come or call i worried. in return i hear, "why you sweating me, i'm having fun, my mom ain't even answering my calls cuz i didn't make contact with her. i don't know why you worrying cuz i'm having fun." now i will admit that it hurt my feelings, maybe because i'm hormonal and emotional or maybe not. he's always been able to hurt me by what he says. so he tells me that his bus will be there on wednesday and he should be back to dayton on thursday. not surprising to me because truthfully i prepared myself for him to say that he's not coming back at all. now i'm worried about how do i establish paternity with him in north carolina. and also thats now two classes that he's missed. half way done, i decide to just cross his name off the sign-in sheet cuz ain't no real point in him coming now and i don't want him to come. so yesterday was thursday and still no sign of him. today, friday the 24 i decide to try and call one last time and he informs me that he's in cincinnati on i75. ok. a little surprising considering i didn't expect him to come back. and then its back to well what happened. i thought you was coming back yesterday. to which he replys, " why are you asking me these questions. i don't call you and check up on you."
"i just asked a question, you could have stayed down there, i just would have appreciated you being up front if you was just going to be down there." so i hang up and of course thats not all,

"why are you tripping. i'm back ain't i."
"it doesn't matter if you can't understand it there's no point in me explaining it. i just would like to know if you was staying there. i cared because i'd like my child to have a father in her life but i can't force you. you've already missed half the classes. you could've stayed down there."
and i hang up. now for anyone reading this am i wrong? i know i shouldn't care about him and i am working my way to that  point especially now that i'm so close to labor and delivery. when my daughter gets here i don't want to put up with this shit. hell i don't want to put up with it now and i didn't want to put up with it for most of my pregnancy. but i grew up with both of my parents and i have never known my father to ever not be there. both of my parents were always involved in my life, whether i wanted them to be or not, and i would like that for my daughter too. but now i'm seeing that its just not going to be the same. the father and i are very different people than my parents and times are different to say the least. and everyday my dream of having a whole family for my child dies. and maybe because my parents did divorce my senior year of high school after being together for so long, make me miss having a whole family so much more. maybe thats why i can't let it go. but one thing every single mother and even women who aren't single mothers and even some of my male friends and family members say is that once this little girl is here, she will be my whole world. everything else goes on the back burner except loving and providing for that child. so that makes me feel that maybe i need to make the break completely now. after all only person who's getting hurt is me. what do you think? i'd appreciate any thoughts, questions, or comments. thanks for reading.

8 months and 3 days...

Actually who cares about the 8 months... I only have 2 more months to go!!!!! Truthfully right now I look back and can remember wondering how I was going to make it to this point. I never thought that I would. Its amazing and I feel very blessed. But its so crazy, now that I'm so close to meeting the little life thats been living inside me for the better part of a year I'm so nervous and anxious. I still have to get through the baby shower and my birthing classes and all the programs i've signed up for to help me with the expenses of bringing home a newborn. So much to do so little time. Not to mention the anxiety of wondering if I'll make a good mommy, or will the father be around. But now isn't the time to dwell on the bad and negative. I've spent the first half of my pregnancy doing that so i'm pretty much done. Let go and let God. And for anyone reading this if you are amused or at all interested in anything in my blog please follow me or comment. They are both very welcomed whether you agree with my point of view or disagree. I appreciate anyone who just reads what I have to say because in this day and age everyone is so wrapped up in self gratification and self indulgences that no one really takes time to do for others. even the smallest thing. So to anyone reading this I Thank you very much. I'm praying for you and I hope God will bless you. And to people not reading I'm praying for you too. Cuz everyone needs prayer. I sure do.

for the past 6 months or so....

Welcome back to my mindless monologue. I haven't been blogging much but so much has happened in the last 6 months or so that there has been no time. Well now it seems that I only have time. To recount some of the things that have taken place I'll start with the most recent...
So my birthday was on August 4th (Happy Belated 23rd Birthday to me) and it just so happens that, that was the day I was let go from my position from wal-mart. Some birthday present right. It was very sombering especially with the hormonal rampage thats been going on. Oh yes, it doesn't end with the first or second trimester so well into my seventh month i'm still crazy. So I'm almost eight months pregnant, unemployed with no real job prospects. Ok, what happened before that. Oh yea, my baby daddy is crazy but this is something thats not new at least to me. There's still animosity between me and his family especially his mom. We don't speak, AT ALL. Which is ok but then me and Anthony (the father) still have hostility based on the fact that he has doubt of the paternity of this baby. Oh and its a GIRL, yay me. but it pisses me off to no end especially when we argue and its likely that he only does this because we argue. But I never thought I'd be in the middle of a paternity test. Really the shit is ridiculous. The baby was concieved on Feb. 15th-16th. a fact that I know because I had to work on Valentine's Day so we "celebrated" on my off day. I remember where we concieved but I won't tell. (the grandmother would be pissed). Either way whether he believes it or not, I can 100% guarantee that he's the father. And as soon as she's born I will be able to prove it. Its hard to have a different baby daddy when you've only been with the one person for over 7 months and now that is like 13 months. Ok, I'm done now. As you can see I'm still kinda pissed about it. But I still love him and I'm determined to try and include him in the baby's life if he so chooses. Really I'm just waiting to see how he plays it cuz just cuz I want something doesn't mean its good for me or what I need. So we'll see.

Like I said its a baby girl, and I'm so excited. Anthony isn't because he has 3 girls already but it seems he can only produce baby girls. Too bad for him. I'm happy although I was really hoping for a baby boy and thats only because as an older sister I've always wanted an older brother. I've got a younger brother whom I love dearly, (Hey Ron) but there's something very protective and endearing about an older brother and a little sister and basically that's how I wanted to model my children. But the good Lord decided thats not how its going to go. Or maybe it will. They could be wrong down at Lifestages. Its happened to other people I know. I guess I'll just have to wait to meet her and see for myself. Well seeing how there's not a lot I can remember about what's happened before I found out the gender I'll end it here for today. But I plan to be back soon. There's still the baby shower and I still have about 8-9 weeks. So adios. Hasta luego.

Mindless monologue of a crazy preggo

hi again. let me just say that pregnancy doesn't agree with me. they say the first trimester is the worst. they weren't kidding. this shit sucks. i'm always hungry, i have pimples and i feel like psycho preggers barbie. despite my condition i'm working like a slave for walmart but i'm not a slave. walmart is my pimp and i'm a walmart whore. anyway my back hurts i can't sleep my boyfriend is causing me stress. i might not be able to carry this baby to term. i'm so scared i'm going to miscarry. that happened to my best friend. her boyfriend stressed her out so bad that it was over. if i ever see him on the street that nigga is dead. he killed my god baby. so now i'm nine weeks and about two days. just thirty one more weeks to go. i don't know if my sainity will make it. my mood swings like the damn boat ride at kings island. i'll never get on that shit again by the way. my mom is on my case now but i'm trying my damnedest if that is a word to get everything in order. i'm applying for everything and anything i can and i'm getting my own place. and let me tell you job and family services only gave me sixteen fucking dollars for foodstamps. how do they expect a pregnant woman to feed herself on sixteen dollars. thats a dollar a day for only half a month. i'm like are you fucking serious. and yes they are. i would appeal but i'll just move into an apartment and then it should go up but i thought that was fucking ridiculous. well now i'm sleepy and i'm going to take a nap. thanks for reading.

unexpected but exciting news i guess.

hello world i'm back once again. its been quite a while since i've been on. life moves so fast, there's never enough time to reflect. but i guess you have to make time. i currently work at Wal-Mart supercenter on Miller Lane. feel free to visit me. i'm not really doing much at work you know trying not to work. at the end of march i hope to be moving into a place of my own with my bf AJ. we'll see how that goes. but for the most exciting yet unexpected news... two days ago i found out i was four weeks into an incidental pregnancy. life as i know it could change. i haven't fully decided if i want to keep it. now i don't believe in abortion personally, but i am pro choice. i feel that only i have the right to decide. but at 22 going on 23 this is the most difficult decision i have or possibly ever will have to make. because i'm only 4 weeks i still have the option to take the pill which will cause my period to come in a sense. my bf has four children already. there's so much to consider but in the end its really up to me. but everyone has an opinion. i cant believe i let this happen. stupid valentines day.